Confusing yes I am!!!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Ok so for my first post

Hmmm I won't go into things like who I am or anything cause I figure if your reading this you know me. At this point in my life I find myself confused about an abundance of things. Confused about my life, my marriage, my children and my faith in God. Oh don't get me wrong I love God and strongly believe in him and that he has this wonderful place in my life and everything I do. But there are times I find myself questioning my purpose in life and what God has in store for me. I worry that God isn't really hearing what I want and selfishly I want him to mold my life the way I want it to be.

As I sit here typing this I am filled with guilt. Not any one thing in particular but guilt about everything happening in my life. I'd like to say that most times I am a happy person however I would be lying to say so. I'm a good faker I think. I try to fix all the problems that everyone else has but I sit back and laugh at myself because I can't fix me or any of the relationships that I have. I battle everyday with this depression I go through and kick myself because we can't afford for me to be on those medications. Everyone around me knows that the meds are what saves me but I feel guilty taking them because they cost so much and I don't want to take that money away from my family. So I took myself off of them and just battle daily to make myself get up and function because my kids need me. It's a catch 22 situation Take them and be well and not have as much of a battle or don't take them be worse and save the money.

My relationship with my husband well I guess the only way to describe that would be a roller coaster ride. Its great one moment and we have a great time and then the very next moment we are going downhill fast with no way to get off the ride. We don't fight everyday but the bad moments outweigh the good. I question everything he does and wonder if I even really trust him, or even if he trusts me. The communication just sucks between the two of us with the exception of what is going on in the kids lives. We are very good at communicating about the kids but when it comes to our needs as a married couple we both feel like we are banging our heads against the wall. I love my husband very much but wonder if its even worth it. If this marriage can even be saved. That is the million dollar question right there. To be honest I don't want to just give up and move on. I'm famous for that though. Running away from every little bump in the road because I don't want to face it. Because I don't have the courage to face it or even because I don't know how to.

My children are my saving grace. They are the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I worry about them though because I don't feel like I can give them everything they need. Do these two beautiful people that God gave to me really deserve a mother like me. Someone who is constantly depressed and most of the time doesn't have the energy to even play with them or read them a book for that matter. I'm scared! I feel myself becoming the mother I had as a child. And although I promised that I would never be like her I am becoming my mother. I feel it! I'm fighting it though but sometimes I don't know how to be better.

4 Comments:

  • At 2:27 PM, Blogger mamabens2 said…

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I love ya & you know where to find me if you EVER need me, day or night! Love ya, Miranda

     
  • At 2:28 PM, Blogger Roxanne_momof2 said…

    Gigi..."Whatsoever things are true...think on these things." In just eight words - eight words! - out of the fathomless treasure of God's Word, a breakthrough happened. It comes when you realize that God does not want you to spend you precious time and equally precious mental energy thinking on things that are not true or real.......

    I love you, Girl!!!!!

     
  • At 8:19 AM, Blogger SarahC♥ said…

    Hi. I really liked your first post, your marriage sounds alot like mine.
    Sarah.

     
  • At 10:03 AM, Blogger AnCient RunaWay said…

    I can relate. Having to cope. Does it ever end?
    I'm not married, but I think that you can either give up your husband or sit down and tell him what's wrong with you. OR at least maybe try. if that doesn't work there's always the it's not gonna work...but first give it a try

     

Post a Comment

<< Home