Confusing yes I am!!!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

It's been awhile

A lot has been happening lately and I just haven't had the urge or the desire to come and blog lately. B and I have some major decisions to make as far as our current living situation. I think we are both in agreement that we love our house but we have just outgrown it. With two preschoolers you can just imagine the amount of stuff they can aquire not to mention that they are spoiled so each holiday brings more new stuff. Also we both are just ready to move out of CA its just not the same anymore and we need to get B closer to work to save his sanity. He has a 50 mile commute to work each day and then you add all of the other commuters and it makes for a 2-3 hour trip both ways. There has to be a better solution to this. Unfortunately the area he works in is not a nice area to live and then the nicer areas around where he works are very expensive and we couldn't afford to live there. I think its time for us to sit down and really talk about what we should do.

Friday, March 10, 2006

True friends

Wow! I have an amazing friend!! Someone who I know I can count on and confide in. Although this friend and I have only been really talking for a short while I know that R will be in my life for a long time to come. I feel like God has placed her in my life at a time when I really needed someone. I've come to realize that R is my umbrella to the storms that are to come in my life. Thank you R and I love you girl!

Mixed Emotions

Well today is the day that B and I leave for the couples retreat. Let me just say that I have a lot of mixed emotions. Excitement, neverousness, doubts really just a lot of different emotions playing out. It makes even more scary for me because we have never left the kids for more than a couple hours at a time. Never overnight. I know this will be good for us but I can't help the guilt I have going on inside about leaving them.

The kids will be in good hands with their uncle. But Uncle has never really kept them for so long but I guess there is a first time for everything. I just hope and pray that everything goes smoothly. I have a lot to do today because I still have a ton of laundry to do and get everyone packed up for the weekend. I can almost feel a panic attack coming on here. Although I am trying to get myself calmed down to actually think clearly.

Wow! B & I alone for the entire weekend???? And not on our schedule? This should definitely be interesting I think. I mean I should really just stop and be grateful that we are going because it took a lot for us to get to this point and we really NEED this time together. There are a lot of interesting activities at this place so I'm anxious to see what it is really like. The part that scares me is that we are supposed to get snow and we just don't do snow very well. I guess we will see how it goes though. Be praying for us that we make it through the weekend without killing each other.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

I'm tired

I'm tired of a lot of things really. I'm tired of putting myself out there to people that I once thought were my friends and getting stepped on. I'm tired of people who call themselves my friends and then believe the worst of me. At this stage in my life I'm giving up only because life is too short to be worried about who truly is my friend and who is just stringing me along. I'm going to focus on my family and not worry about who my friends are going to be. Those who truly are my friends will show themselves to me and I won't have to question their friendship. For those of you who are my friends I just say thank you.

Nap time is too a wonderful thing!

So I've decided that I like being able to just come here and get whatever is in my head out. After I wrote the first post I was going to go and lay down but I was stopped on taking a nap because my son didn't want to nap today and that is to be expected because he is 4 years old and outgrowing those naps. Which needless to say is going to ruin my plans the day he decides that napping is not cool. I live for those times when my children are lying in their beds asleep and I have at least an hour during the day to myself. When you suffer from depression sleep is something that is completely wonderful.

As my son stands here way too close to dinner time screaming at me that he wants waffles I wonder if I spoil him. I mean seriously I always said that I would be the type of mom that would discipline their child and not let them grow up to be spoiled brats. I wouldn't have the kind of child that stood in a grocery store and screamed bloody murder because they wanted something. Seeing the actions of those screaming children always bothered me, but what bothered me more is when the mother gave in to what they wanted because their child was causing a scene and embarrassing them. I always told myself that my child would "NEVER" act like that. Yeah those were the words of an unexperienced mother. I have learned one very important lesson in the 4 years that I have been a mother. Never say Never AGAIN!!!

No matter how hard I try my child is going to cause a scene in public because well....that is what kids are good at. They love attention and will do anything to get that. So yeah I probably do spoil my son but you know what who cares I parent different from other people. The thing that gets me is when someone who is not a parent or has never parented a child comes up to me and says that I'm doing things wrong. Really? Well unless that person has had some type of special schooling who are they to tell me that I'm wrong? How do they know that what I'm doing with my child is wrong??? I've come to this realization...I'm doing the best that I can with what I have to work with. And on top of that I will always love my children even if they are spoiled brats at times and cause scenes which embarrass me.

Ok so for my first post

Hmmm I won't go into things like who I am or anything cause I figure if your reading this you know me. At this point in my life I find myself confused about an abundance of things. Confused about my life, my marriage, my children and my faith in God. Oh don't get me wrong I love God and strongly believe in him and that he has this wonderful place in my life and everything I do. But there are times I find myself questioning my purpose in life and what God has in store for me. I worry that God isn't really hearing what I want and selfishly I want him to mold my life the way I want it to be.

As I sit here typing this I am filled with guilt. Not any one thing in particular but guilt about everything happening in my life. I'd like to say that most times I am a happy person however I would be lying to say so. I'm a good faker I think. I try to fix all the problems that everyone else has but I sit back and laugh at myself because I can't fix me or any of the relationships that I have. I battle everyday with this depression I go through and kick myself because we can't afford for me to be on those medications. Everyone around me knows that the meds are what saves me but I feel guilty taking them because they cost so much and I don't want to take that money away from my family. So I took myself off of them and just battle daily to make myself get up and function because my kids need me. It's a catch 22 situation Take them and be well and not have as much of a battle or don't take them be worse and save the money.

My relationship with my husband well I guess the only way to describe that would be a roller coaster ride. Its great one moment and we have a great time and then the very next moment we are going downhill fast with no way to get off the ride. We don't fight everyday but the bad moments outweigh the good. I question everything he does and wonder if I even really trust him, or even if he trusts me. The communication just sucks between the two of us with the exception of what is going on in the kids lives. We are very good at communicating about the kids but when it comes to our needs as a married couple we both feel like we are banging our heads against the wall. I love my husband very much but wonder if its even worth it. If this marriage can even be saved. That is the million dollar question right there. To be honest I don't want to just give up and move on. I'm famous for that though. Running away from every little bump in the road because I don't want to face it. Because I don't have the courage to face it or even because I don't know how to.

My children are my saving grace. They are the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I worry about them though because I don't feel like I can give them everything they need. Do these two beautiful people that God gave to me really deserve a mother like me. Someone who is constantly depressed and most of the time doesn't have the energy to even play with them or read them a book for that matter. I'm scared! I feel myself becoming the mother I had as a child. And although I promised that I would never be like her I am becoming my mother. I feel it! I'm fighting it though but sometimes I don't know how to be better.